TO MY REMY GIRL

Today I'm celebrating my sweet girl's beautiful life! If you're new here, Remy was my best pup (I always called her pup, regardless of her age) and best friend. Today we would have been celebrating her 15th birthday. Every year we'd put on these silly little hats and sing happy birthday with cake, treats and our annual photoshoot. This year looks a little different. My girl left my arms and went back to God just 2 months ago on June 13th. But instead of being sad today,  I want to take this time to celebrate and remember her the way she would have wanted. 

As a photographer for over 16 years now I always knew the value of a photo but I never knew how priceless that value would be until I no longer had my girl here with me. The first thing I did when she was taken from me was run back to my memories. I cried into her collar and my phone full of her photos for 2 days straight. It was like a lifeline back to her. The memory of my girl is something I'm holding dearly to. The photos, videos, smells, sounds and songs are all the things that bring me back closer to her. It’s like she is right here with me again for a split second, as if she never left. I hold so tightly to these moments because I never want to forget every inch, quirk and piece of her. 

Remy was the kind of dog people couldn’t help themselves but to stop and say "hello" to. Her smile (yes, smile... BIG smile) was so amazing that it truly warmed anyone’s heart. She was even nicknamed “the smiley dog” in our old neighborhood. I believe Remy had a heart of pure gold. She touched anyone's heart she met. Her little prance walk put a pep in anyone's step and mine even on my hardest days. She loved her morning walks. I still remember the way she would look back at me while walking as if to say "this is a good walk today, Mom". Somedays she would take the leash in her mouth and walk me and those days were her favorite. She loved her "coffee" (a ball I'd put treats in) in the morning and we'd have our coffee together every morning. She loved to snuggle. Her favorite place was in bed behind my head until the morning when she wanted to be right by my side, curled into my arm, on her back getting all the neck and belly scratches. She loved Coldplay music (you can't convince me otherwise) and the movie How The Grinch Stole Christmas. I used to joke with her that I think she had a crush on Max. I could go on and on but the reality is that she was an angel on earth.

Remy gave me what I never knew I needed. She taught me how to be a “mom” in my own way. Yes, I was her MOM. I’m sorry that I ever let anyone make me feel crazy for that. From the sideways looks, to the quizzical comments and judgment when Mother’s Day rolled around chock full of gifts and Mother’s Day wishes, I wish I had accepted them with more pride. I know people think having a dog is just a pet, but Remy was so much more than that to me and I appreciate those who acknowledged that even if it didn't make sense to them. That being said, Remy taught me the meaning of an absolute and unconditional love. She taught me that life needs to be appreciated every day and to literally stop and smell the roses. She slowed me down when I was going too fast. She healed my heart each time it was broken. She gave me a place to lay my head on, in the good times and the bad. She taught me to appreciate even the smallest of things every time she even looked at me. She gave me responsibility and purpose. She was my soul dog. 

From the very first moment I saw and held Remy in my arms I had no idea the kind of beautiful life she would give me for the next 15 years. She, undoubtedly, was my best friend. She was the one constant and consistent part of my life that never wavered, that I never doubted and always trusted with every part of my heart and soul. She gave me safety. She was my baby. She was my family. She was my home. She was my heart and soul. We were meant for one another, undeniably.

On some of my harder days I cry at the foot of her bed wishing she were still there waiting for kisses. Not a day goes by where I’ve not clutched her empty collar in a heart ache that I feel will never go away. I know the hole in my heart will never be filled again but I swear I can feel Remy in my soul. She gave me something I don’t believe any person, book, or lesson ever could. She gave me strength I didn’t know I had in me. 

No one warned me how lonely it would be without her. I think it was to protect me because they knew how hard it would be after and I'm grateful for that. No matter who or what walked in or out of my life, my girl was ALWAYS there. She was my first good morning each day and my last good night each evening. She was always home and never failed to greet me at the door with an unconditional appreciation that made me feel more loved than I knew possible. There are a million things I would have done differently in my life to this day but the one thing I would have never changed was welcoming my sweet baby into my life. She's changed me forever. I am a better person because of her and I will never let that go in vain. She opened and closed doors for me. She taught me lessons on patience, resilience, kindness, unconditional love and faith. I prayed every single day that she knew how much she was loved and if I ever made her not feel loved on my hard days that she'd forgive me. 

So with that I wrote a little letter to my girl. You can skip past this part if you'd like but I felt like it deserved a place on this website and out in the world because I never want her memory to fade. 

To my Remy Girl, 

Thank you for being my girl. Thank you for the best 15 years of my life. You gave me what I didn't even know I needed. You were my best friend and you grew my heart (like the Grinch) every single day from the moment we met. 

I’m sorry I never got you that house we talked about. The one with a big back yard, a pool just for you to swim in and a big porch for you to take the best sun naps on. 

I’m sorry you didn’t get to walk down an aisle to me like I prepared you for. You would have made the prettiest flower girl there ever was. 

I’m sorry I didn’t get to make you a big sister like I told you about. I know you would have made the best sibling in the world. 

I’m sorry I didn’t have more time to show you this big, beautiful world. You only knew our little world but I pray that it was the best world each and every day for you.

I’m sorry I’m not there anymore to wake you up with kisses every morning, to snuggle you to sleep every night, to sing and dance with you around the house every day, to take you on those long walks where you grabbed the leash and showed me the way you wanted to go. I pray that our angel family and friends are up there doing all those things with you.

I miss our morning walks and post coffee talks. I miss our snuggles and snack times. I miss our car rides with the windows down and your hair floating everywhere like snow. I miss our Starbucks drive-thurs with pup cup- whipped cream all over the car. I miss the way you'd throw your tennis ball back at me as if to say "hurry up, throw it again." I miss seeing you at the corner of my desk each day urging me for a walk, even though we just went on one but you knew I'd take you anyways. I miss the way you'd tilt your head when I said your favorite words and then prance around the house like a little unicorn. I miss sneaking up on you while you slept and attacking you with kisses and threatening to "eat you like a zombie". I miss the way you'd place your paw on my hand while I rubbed your head as if to say "I love you too, Mom." 

I prayed, cried and begged to God everyday to make me a Mom one day but what I didn't realize was that God had already made me a Mom with you. I’m sorry that I ever let anybody make me feel ashamed for calling me your Mommy and I'm sorry I didn't realize it until now, but I thank you for making me a Mommy, sweet girl. Thank you for being the best baby.

I hope you hear my chats with you each morning and night, every time I leave and return home and when something reminds me of you. I hope you're by my side everywhere I go and when I'm dancing around the house to your songs.

Thank you for being my whole world and for loving me the way you did. Until we meet again, my love, I will always carry you in my heart.

Happy 15th Birthday, Sweet Baby.

I love and celebrate you then, now and forever.

Love, Mommy